Really hilarious jokes.

A man is visiting his 69 year-old mother-in-law's house on business (As residence) and one day, he comes home to see her on the ground. He calls 911 and an ambulance comes to take her to the hospital. He is sitting in the waiting room an hour or so, then the doctor comes out and says "Sir, I have some bad news and good news." The man says "What's the bad news?" "Well, she's going to live, but the virus has made her unable to speak and she makes a squeal like a parrot when she tries. Also, her mouth is unable to move, so you must feed her baby food every day 3 times a day. And also, her arms are paralyzed, so the next 20-30 years you must change her diapers every day regularly." the man says "Damn... And the good news?" The doctor replies "The good news?" He waits and starts laughing. "Nah, I'm just kidding, your mother-in-law's dead."

Number two...

The man in the crow's nest says "CAPTAIN! Enemy ship on the horizon!" the captain responds "Bring me my red shirt!" So he does - and after the battle, without losing a single man, the crow's-man says "Sir, why would I bring you your red shirt before a battle?" The captain answers "Because if I am shot or wounded, then the crew will not notice my blood and they will continue to fight." The man says "Wow, that's amazing..." The next day, the man says "CAPTAIN! 20 enemy ships on the horizon!" The captain responds "Bring me my brown pants!"